But Mom, You Are Home!-Living With Dementia
Trying to convince someone living with dementia of anything is pure insanity. But this is what I did. No one told us how to deal with someone with dementia.
Mom showed a few signs of forgetfulness at age 91. But she was still living on her own at home. And she was doing quite well I might add. She had 6 children so almost every weekend someone was visiting a helping out. She also had a lot of friends.
Mom and Dad Were Smart
They made friends with people much younger that they were. Joining a senior exercise group exposed them to a lot of new friends. Most were in their 70’s and early 80’s. This gave them a social life. Meeting for a workout and then maybe lunch together kept them active and involved.
When Dad passed away, their friends all rallied around her to offer support. They all realized that they too could be widowed next. As such when mom was 90 she still had a lot of able-bodied 70-year-old friends who could visit and help out. This kept her socially active. And studies show that good social relationships help to keep your mind strong.
All went well until a blood clot landed mom in the hospital. An overdose of medication caused a huge hematoma in her abdomen. The pain was excruciating. Massive amounts of pain medication was given to try and relieve the pain. The result was that Mom went away in her mind and never fully came back.
Time To Go Home
After a month in the hospital, we were told it was time to take her home or place her in a nursing facility. She would need care around the clock. We choose to bring her home. After all, we knew that was where she wanted to be.
A live-in caregiver was hired to help during the week. In addition, my sister and I took turns caring for mom on the weekend. But we were unprepared. The caregiver we hired, Ella, taught us how to lift and turn her so she would not get bed sores. But no one explained how to deal with the world of dementia.
When Mom Wanted To Go Home
I remember one particular weekend we mom kept begging to go home. And I did everything I could to convince her that she was home. Furthermore, I pointed to the pictures on the wall, her furniture and anything else I could find that would prove she was in her own home. But still, she cried, “Please just take me home. I want to go home.” She told me to call my brother John. Mom was convinced John would come and take her home. We called John and then later my other brothers Fred and Paul. All the brothers told her they would be there in a while. But this was something she was not going to forget or let go of. She wanted to go home.
I Was Frustrated
I wanted Mom to be happy. But I had no idea how to make that happen if I couldn’t convince her she was in her home. She was becoming more and more agitated. Furthermore, she looked at me as if I were a bad person because I would not bring her home. I did not know what to do! Finally, I asked her ” Where is your home? What is your address?”
I Was Shocked By Her Answer
When she told me her address I recognized it as the house I had grown up in. But Mom had not lived there in about 30 years. It did not matter. To mom, that was home and she was not there. Now that I had a better understanding of where she was in her mind it was easier. My job was not to convince her she was home because in her mind she clearly was not. No wonder that tactic was not working. So what should I do?
Mom Called Them White Lies
White lies are okay, Mom used to tell me. The purpose of a white lie is to help someone and make them feel better. There is nothing negative that comes from a white lie. So, I told her one. “Oh, that house”, I told her. “Of course! Don’t you remember the pipe burst and the house flooded? We had to move your stuff here until they could get it all fixed. It will probably be a couple more weeks.” Though she looked confused she accepted what I said.
Finally, The Conversation Shifted
Now that I knew at what stage in her lifetime Mom was in her mind I could reminisce with her about those days. Though I felt somewhat guilty not telling mom the truth, I knew it was the compassionate thing to do. Soon we were laughing and enjoying life and the people in it from 30 years ago.
Weeks Are A Long Time For Someone With Dementia
Mom never asked about going home again. The matter seemed to have been settled. Whether she remembered our conversation or not, nobody will ever know. What I do know is it gave her peace of mind. I did not tell her that she could not go back to the home she remembered.And I did not tell her it had been sold 30 years ago. Furthermore,I simply gave her a viable reason why she was not there now and kept the door open for the hope that she may someday be able to return. Everybody should have hope.
Also Read:
Moving Mom To A New Assisted Living
When Momma’s Happy- The Right Assisted Living Facility
Dementia is Not A Memory Problem- Dementia Behaviors
Like many today, Kathryn Watson was thrust into the world of Eldercare with little knowledge or understanding of the industry. The challenges she overcame led her to write Help! My Parents Are Aging and Help! I Can’t Do This Alone and to create a web directory for Houston families. Find Houston Senior Care offers both resources and information to help you navigate the elder care world. Kathryn is a Motivational Speaker and regularly speaks to groups about eldercare.Hire Kathryn To Speak to Your Company.