When Siblings Don’t Help Care For Aging Parents
Taking care of Mom and Dad without sibling help? What to do when siblings don’t help care for aging parents.
You’re not alone. More often than not, one sibling ends up being a solitary caregiver, shouldering all or the majority of the responsibility for the care of ageing parents. How did things get this way? Is there any way out of it? There are many reasons this could be happening. Sometimes things can work out well, but it takes the participation of your sibling(s), possibly your parents, and even yourself.
The Nature of Sibling Roles
However siblings have been used to interrelating, it’s not likely to change anytime soon. Unless the shy one asserts him/herself and the bossy one lets someone else take independent roles chances are the dynamics of this relationship will not improve.The responsible one may even need to sit back a little –that’s if the situation permits.
Unresolved Issues
You may be thinking, “Can’t we just put all of that aside and focus on Mom and Dad??” That would be the ideal and proper thing to do, but emotions often get in the way of people doing the right thing, When siblings don’t help care for aging parents you can bet there’s a lot of emotion involved.
- Unresolved issues with parents. Just like different people have different relationships with their parents, siblings can also have different relationships with their parents. Some never had, or took, the chance to have that talk with a parent to resolve feelings of anger, shame, hurt, fear or even all of the above. Unfortunately, a crisis situation doesn’t always mean such a sibling will stop avoiding a parent.
- Unresolved issues with siblings. For some, resolving issues with parents may be easier than resolving them with other siblings! If a parent has discussed a rocky relationship with your brother or sister, Mom or Dad’s side is bound to be taken. This leaves the troubled sibling feeling isolated from the family, while at the same time reluctant to clear the air with a sibling. The whole matter was really with a parent, so why should he/she go hat in hand to a sibling?
- Jealousy. You could say this is an ‘unresolved issue with self.’ When a person is feeling the bitterness of jealousy, and resents the relationship you have with Mom or Dad, they sometimes feel happy to see you take all the hard work.
- Selfishness. You are correct: everything listed above really boils down to selfishness, and a family really should be able to put aside those things and help. If you can figure out ways to do so, why can’t they. Bookkeeping and bill payments can all be done online. What about a simple phone call? Your brother or sister may certainly be selfish, but usually there are also stronger negative emotions mixed in, like those mentioned above.
What You Can’t Do
What can be done in the face of all this? Sometimes nothing, or at most you may be able to work on simply improving your own relationship with your sibling(s) –independent of any caregiving issues.
What You Can Do
The golden formula for getting siblings, or anyone at all, to help out with Mom or Dad, is simply to ask, and to ask very clearly. If you haven’t asked a sibling directly for the assistance that you need, but just hinted around, you haven’t really given he/she the chance to help. It is often easier for a non-caregiver to understand what is needed (and subsequently agree) if it is clearly understood exactly what is needed.
If you ask and still do not get the help you need look for help elsewhere. Same the time and energy on something that will produce results.